This time last year I was in a bad place (emotionally and spiritually). Other then a few close family members, know one knew just how close I came to giving it all up! Not life, but living! Living that is, on purpose for God!
Like many women in ministry I have gone through the fire a few times and for the most part I would come out a bit singed but still surviving! The problem with this is that after you get singed to many times your skin starts to feel the effects! The wall of protection (that outer layer you allow people to touch and see) becomes worn down.
Honestly, sometimes the greatest hurts you receive happen within the walls of the building/community we call church! The one place you think you should be able to go to for peace! But, what most of us have forgotten is that peace (real peace) can only be found through God!
And for just a little while I forgot that!
By the fall of 2015 I was drowning! Drowning from years of hurt, years of feelings of betrayed, and I....the one who loved being around women. The one who felt from the start I was called to speak into the lives of women no longer felt connected to women. As a matter of fact I felt so disconnected I put up a wall from all but a few!!
I also realize now I was allowing the enemy to keep me from my true purpose in life which was to minister and speak to women! Little did I know that the hurt I was feeling was exactly what was needed! By exercising my own demons, I am better able to relate to women in the same position!
(This past April I became a licensed minister).
In September of 2015 (with prompting from some friends) I walked into my first BSF group meeting. Although I had started to come out of my "funk", I was still wallowing in my pain and hurt and the thick skin that had been stretched to what seemed like the point of no return had started to build up a protective layer again.
(Studying for BSF)
This layer of skin was tough, unmovable and had created a wall so thick that know one would be able to get in!
It took me several months of sitting in class, sometimes ignoring the text and prayers reports and request from the other women in my group to realize that I no longer trusted women!! And not just any women....Christian women! And not just Christian women but women who didn't look like me (aka my Caucasian sistas). That was the biggest surprise of all!!
A few years back I had created a ministry just for women of various backgrounds to come together and minister to one another. Our motto was to touch every tongue, tribe and nation! Yet I, the leader of BSM was sitting (in what should have been the perfect setting for ministry) in my group class as if I was sitting in the middle of a war room (and not the movie kind).
But God!! God in his infinite wisdom knew exactly what I needed. And he placed me among a group of women who didn't let the facade keep them from loving on me. My group facilitator still called, or sent a text even when I didn't respond. The ladies still welcomed me in to the fold each Monday night despite the cold shoulder I am sure I gave off. Slowly but surely, I started to let my guard down and I started to participate more. By the time we got to the end of the year I was a different person. I know its partially because of the prayers of my family and friends, but honestly if I had not found this group of ladies (who am I kidding...God planted me right where I needed to be), and if I had not started to diligently study the word of God I don't know where I would be!! I was swimming upstream without a paddle and I was slowly drowning!
(Some of the ladies from my group who didn't let the walls I put up stop them from trying to connect with me).
Fast forward a year later and I realize now that God was preparing me for things to come!
(Our small group. Love these ladies to life).
Now BSF wasn't a life saver just because of the women in my group. No the bigger life lesson for me was spending time with God. Reading his word and studying his word! If anyone had told me a year ago that reading Revelation would save my life rather then scare me to death I would have laughed. The lesson I learned from my experience is that the enemy doesn't want us to study. He doesn't want us to gather with like minded believers, and especially as women (in my case as a pastors wife) he doesn't want us to come together and really make a difference in other women's lives! He will keep us divided and separated because he knows if we come together we will turn this world upside down!!
If your in leadership I just want you to know that God has your back!! He knows what you need before you even know what you think you need. But the enemy?? He just wants to come kill, steal and destroy! He wants to keep you from your purpose in life. And if he can keep you distracted with "mess" then you won't be focused on God's purpose and plan for your life! What better way to distract believers from their purpose then to hit them where it hurts the most? In the lives of our leaders and their families in the church! By falling into the enemies snares I allowed him to silence my voice!
I for one have to much to do, to many people I need to be encouraging who are in the same boat as I am. I don't have time to be distracted by the enemies traps!! If Revelation didn't teach me anything it taught me that our time here on earth is limited. That people around us need to know the love of Jesus Christ! And that we cannot let the enemy keep us from sharing the gospel!!
I knew a long time ago that my purpose was ministering to other pastor and ministry wives but I allowed myself to be used by the enemy and I got off course! Well no more!! I didn't come out of the fire just to lay around waiting for judgement day! I'm determined to share my testimony with others in ministry so that they are not sidelined and forget their purpose in life!! We can't be fishers of men if we are out in the water drowning along with the ones we are suppose to help!!
If you feel like your drowning....Don't worry you are not alone!! But the good news is that God sent you a life preserver in the form of Jesus Christ! You just have to grab it and let him haul you back in the boat!!
