An Honest Blog About My Struggles

Not going to lie. The month of May was a tough month for me. I have been struggling with sadness, sometimes downright anger , not to mention feeling as if my life was completely out of my control (which it has been). Its hard watching your spouse struggle, which thereby causes you the caregiver to struggle. There are days when it seems like no matter what we do it is not enough. When it seems like Marc has taken two steps forward, BAM something else happens that takes him back down again. Yet, even through all of the tough patches, God has continued to give me a few glimpses of hope through the dark moments. Every once in a while he would even drop little tokens into my spirit or send an angel my way to remind us that he still had our back. For sure I don't know what I would do if I didn't have family and friends who have continually lept me in their prayers. And it also helps that whenever I go home to visit my home church that the Pastor there and his wife remind me how much I am loved and how blessed I am. This was the week after I stepped into the pulpit for the first time in a year and my home church pastor had told me he wish he had known because they would have been there to support me. You just don't know what that means to me (and I am pretty sure he didn't realize how much I needed to hear that after starting to doubt that I should even be in this position).

After not picking up my bible or doing a devotional in quite some time I picked up an old devotion book that one of the ladies from my church had given me a while back. On two occasions I knew the message was directly from God to me trying to get my attention and wake me up.  Don't you love when he does that? LOL

Then Mother's Day weekend came around and For the first time that I can remember in a very long time I did not take not one photo on Mother's Day. It didn't help that the day started out extremely difficult and I found myself crying for no reason at all (did I mention that being in your mid 50s and dealing with hormones on top of being a care giver can overwhelming?). We spent the morning at church and then left to go to the country to visit family. My girls came up as well as my sister and her children (I think we both needed that family time). I spent the afternoon surrounded by my family and lots of cute babies. LOL Sometimes that is all it takes to get you back on track (at least for a few days or more).

Weekly phone calls and hugs from this lady (my sister cousin Pat) always helps. She has a way of pulling me out of the dark places I tend to go to when I am feeling sad and alone. It also helps knowing that she and my auntie are praying for Marc and I on a daily basis. 

Not all of the month was bad. I got to meet and congratulate a long time Pastor Wife friend who came into town to walk and receive her Doctor's degree. She let me just talk and talk while she listened when I really should have been letting her do most of the talking LOL. Meeting Randa finally after being pastor wife friends online for such a long time was the highlight of the month for me. 

Another one of the highlights from the month was our Woman's Weekend Luncheon. It was great seeing so many of our ladies using their talent for the Kingdom.  And then getting to hear my friend Dr. Lee (man I have a lot of well educated friends lol) preach was just what this old girl needed to make it through the rest of the month. After a year of struggling with my faith and trying my best to not turn away from God I am starting to feel just a small glimpse of the old Cyndi coming back again. The one that knows that God has a purpose and a plan for her life. 

The month ended on a high note when this young man who has been like an adopted son to us surprised us with a visit. He is one of Nicki's long time brother's from another mother friends from college who now lives in California but who had been promising to come and visit the next time he was in town. I just love the fact that it put such a big smile on my husband's face.